This is from my journal entries from this last week. They are very personal and the cries from the depths of my soul! I want this to help other people who are going through this, so please feel free to pass this along!
I've been staring at this page for almost a hour now. I'm not sure how i'm feeling except hurt. Ok, hurt is an understatement. I feel like God, doesn't care at all, like I'm a horrible mother, that nobody understands, and that I am the only mother who had a miscarriage and then had to have a
D & C. I've been telling Steve it isn't fair and that we had a healthy pregnancy before and so why can't we have another healthy baby.
It all started on
Sunday the 22nd of July. (Yes, this was recent, but a good friend of mine suggested that i write this down and share it with other friends.) Steve and I were supposed to go boating just the two of us with his Sponsor and his family. It is amazing how God works because i really didn't need to go to the bathroom, but felt that i should since with this pregnancy I've been going to the bathroom a whole lot more than i did with Monkey. When I arrived i noticed blood was everywhere! I called Steve and he told me to come outside so i could call the Health Line to see what they would suggest doing since we were leaving town. The nurse was less than helpful and said to just lay down. Steve and I weighed out our options and decided that we were going to head to the ER since this was a heavy bleed instead of a light period.
After all of the tests, and my great team of Dr.'s and nurses they came to the conclusion that I was in the process of having a miscarriage. I am an emotional person but I don't like strangers seeing my tears or my sobs, but there was nothing I could do to control the hurt. We both cried. One a little bit louder than the other, but we still did. After the Dr. gave us some privacy, she came back in and explained a little bit more. She wanted me to do it naturally because everything seemed to be ok with my body.
As we were waiting for further instruction, what were the next steps etc. We called my parents and they came rushing down to the ER where they prayed, read scripture to us, and cried. My Patient Care Tech was also a believer and saw my parents praying in the hallway and my dad reading to my mom. He offered them so much kindness and loving Godly words. Then one of the nurses who I knew from several visits and also a friend came in and read scripture. He also told us that it was Okay to show our emotions and that this was no little things going on. What an encouraging friend!!!
Monday: I was supposed to have my first visit with Dr. M. This is when we were given a little bit of hope. My OB is so wonderful! She is one of the most sympathetic Dr's I know. She helped us understand a little bit better what was going on. She said that this could turn around and still be a healthy pregnancy. It was so hard for me to be happy after what I was told the night before. She wanted to wait a week to see if the baby would grow or if it was slowly passing away. The ultrasound from Sunday showed that I was only 6 weeks pregnant instead of 9. She tells me is cramps get worse and bleeding continues to get worse to go to the ER right away.
Monday Night: Cramping gets worse and so does bleeding. By this time i really don't want to go to the ER again but the Health Line nurse really suggested it. We went in and by the time i got there the bleeding had slowed down and i was wanting to go home instead of getting poked with needles again. Thank God i didn't need to this time. I was also getting really stressed out because i wanted them to tell me what to do so i wouldn't be in so much pain any more.
Tuesday: Went okay except for the fact that the bleeding doesn't slow down but gets worse with every hour. So do the cramps. My stubborn self told everyone in my family that we weren't going in again. At first things were getting better and i was getting excited that i was going to be able to do this the natural way. Throughout the night the pain just kept getting worse and worse.
Wednesday: Woke up at 11am because i couldn't sleep the night before because i was in so much pain. They are the worse contraction i have ever been through. I called Dr. M's nurse who is also wonderful! She said it was the time and that it would only get worse before it got better. The best thing a could do was breathe and try to keep ahead of the pain. By 3pm it only gets worse. I was lying on the couch just rocking back and forth and breathing and trying to go to happy places.
Thursday: Slept till noon again because contractions are really out of control and so if the bleeding. The one praise we had so no more egg like clots!!! By today, I am cranky and way to emotional and really want this to be over with. My mom and i talk and we both agree to call Dr. M's nurse again and she what she says since the weekend is rapidly approaching. She says that isn't a good sign and to head to the ER again. I wasn't excited to go through all of the procedures again. The nice thing was that i had my mom there and also Steve. Thankfully, the blood doesn't slow down so the Dr.'s can have a better picture of whats going on. The nice thing was i had the same Patient Care Tech again! They see no improvement in baby or the situation. This is the second time we haven't seen our little man. This is the most heart breaking moment of the day. Thankfully, they talk to the OB on call and get his opinion on the situation. He said to go home for the night and then call the next morning to see if he could get me in, so he could take a closer look.
Friday: My loving mother calls at 830am and talks to his nurse and said that he could fit me in at 1040. I was over joyed! She told her that i couldn't eat or drink anything until the fully knew what was going on. We arrive right on time. The hardest part for me was the waiting which seemed to take forever and also not having my husband with me. Thank God for my mom! This was my first time meeting Dr. R. He was so helpful and listened to all of my questions and concerns. He explained that since two ultrasounds confirmed that their wasn't any change in our little man that the safest way to find out would be to do a very painful examination and then go from there. This was my first time to see our little man! My heart broke and mommy mode kicked in high gears. My cervix was fully opened but the concern was that i wasn't passing anything. He finished and was able to help the process along but wanted to do a D & C to make sure everything was out so it wouldn't cause any infection, and that the pain would subside. Before i knew it, I was checked in to the OR,, prepped, and waiting to head into the OR room. The wonderful thing was that my mom was able to be with me until the wheeled me into surgery. On the way in, i saw Dr M who came over and talked to me and said how sorry she was for our loss. Dr R came in and said that he was ready and just needed me to tell him more about
Grey's Anatomy. I remember telling him about McDreamie but that was it. 45min later i was in recovery with no contractions but just cramps. I was alone when i woke up because the nurse was helping a patient right next to me. All i wanted was my mommy, daddy, monkey, and husband. Dr R. was still writing his notes when i woke up and he came over to talk to me. He said everything went well and that he only had to remove the placenta. It seemed like an eternity before i was able to go to post op. Oh, how happy i was to see my mom and that i was able to drink water and eat soft foods.
Tonight has been so extremely hard. Steve and I weren't getting our hopes up, but we prayed our hearts out for a miracle. Steve kept telling me that even tho it is hard that we should be thankful that we didn't go to full term and have our son to hold for a few moments before the worse could have happened.
On our way home on Sunday, Steve started signing: It is Well with My Soul by
Horatio G. Spafford. I was hurt that he would sign something like this at this time, but it was what he and i both needed at that moment. We both keep going back to this song and keep reminding ourselves that this wasn't out of God's control. He had a reason and even though it feels like a knife is being driven through my heart He is my comforter!!! As our great friend's S and S say: " Your testimony keeps getting better and better!" Yes, it is so true! Steve and i have never been this close before! Only by the grace of God knew what it would take.
We love you so very much and we can't wait to meet you in heaven someday!!! Fly with the Eagles our dear son! Your family never knew you but you were already so loved be all who knew about you!
